All's Fair?

The Daily Mail has reported in horror the alleged news that the BBC is now considering a change to their recruitment policy, such that they will no longer be able to discriminate on the grounds of idiocy, aptitude or competence when engaging new staff.

The paper responded to queries as to the apparent lack of evidence for this policy by publishing a questionable photograph of Jonathan Ross wearing a tiara made from the confiscated teeth of homeless farmers, while laughing at a group of middle class white schoolchildren who'd apparently been refused entry to a pop concert organised by the broadcaster on the basis that they were neither black, Muslim nor infected with HIV.

The Mail's disgust at the alleged revelation seems doubly baffling since they themselves appear to have refused to discriminate on the grounds of skill, insight or even literacy in their editorial staff for some years but there you go.

Size Matters

Controversial plans have been unveiled that would see the creation of a national database to hold the breast sizes of all women in the country. The system will be used to ensure that anyone measuring smaller than a size D cup will automatically be placed on the waiting list for breast augmentation surgery. Ministers have responded to criticisms with claims that the new system will drastically reduce administration costs currently associated with these procedures.

Everything but the Kitchen Sink

Women are entitled to buy numerous pairs of shoes as well as to be shagged by men, according to a recent think tank. The controversial assertion is the result of a lengthy program of discussion among prominent women in the public sphere, and is expected to further bolster the belief that women can 'have it all', which has commonly been described as a myth.

Not Present But Correct

In the latest installment of unfettered political correctness in the public media services, the popular TV personality Mike Bastcok has reportedly been sacked following complaints regarding recent revelations about his personal life choices. The news that Mr Bastcok has consistently refused to be present in any building in which 'persons not of ultimate brittanic or europe-based cultural origination' may also be present, was initially met with casual indifference by the public. But a prominent and thoroughly keenly orchestrated Internet campaign has caused the television network concerned to buckle under self-righteous, liberal, elitist, and most probably, utterly gay, pressure. What next? You probably won't even be able to skin and eat the children of immigrants soon.

Misty Memories?

A controversial new practice is to be introduced across the globe, whereby any human being who is unable to create an exact replica of pop-star Madonna's groin using only plasticine, tin foil and sandpaper, is to be put immediately to death. Commenting on the initiative, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the move was "extremely thought-invoking and definitely worthy of deliberation and comment", while linguist and political theorist Noam Chomksy contributed: "I suppose it was only a matter of time, I'll be alright though, I think I know it better than my wife's fucking face".

He Said She Said

Hollywood pin-up Sallyandra Tapsmear has reportedly apologised for comments she made regarding the Rwandan genocide of the 1990s. Ms Tapsmear was quoted as having implied that the hundred of thousands murdered were actually being punished for failing to resolve their 'identificatory anomaly'. The practice she referred to is core to the New Morphostarshine faith, of which Ms Tapsmear has been a practising member for upwards of 3 months.

Practitioners of the belief system, established as far back as early 2005, carry out what they call 'communitary ingestion', during which they each eat and then regurgitate slivers of pastry which have been ceremonially licked by Master Jaddbaall Shandox, leader of the faith, and proprietor of the associated limited company. The actress has since accused the journalist involved of taking her comments out of continence.

Monkey See

A leading advertising agency has defended a recent campaign featuring photographs in which, critics claimed, a 12 year old model 'appeared to have been gang-raped by a group of chimpanzees'. The agency has responded to complaints with the following statement:

"While we accept that some people may perceive the photographs as being suggestive of aggressive sexual behaviour, we have repeatedly reasserted the fact that the model had not in fact been assaulted, and are frankly baffled at the stuffy attitude of those people who are STILL going on about this. In fact, we have taken the courageous decision to extend the campaign, in order to stimulate an open public debate on this issue and of course on the Eezytear range in general. Perhaps if governments could engage people in this dynamic fashion we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now."

The ads are intended to publicise a range of underwear which has been designed to be easy to rip off with one hand.

Acting the Giddy Goat?

A Cornish woman is claiming to be carrying the child of the late great Dank Tampoke, beloved host of ITV's Saturday morning agricultural gameshow Get Your Goat, who died 23 years ago. Mr Tampoke presented a number of popular series during his career, which spanned two decades, but is most fondly remembered for his catchphrase 'Get it, get it, get that goat!' His three surviving children have condemned the woman, who claims to have kept their father's yield in a refrigerated container since an affair they conducted during the Cuban missile crisis, when Mr Tampoke is alleged to have retrieved her stolen hairnet from the pen of an unruly pig, a gesture which could naturally have led to intimate relations between the pair.

There's No Place Like Home

A well-known morris-dancing singer is said to have purchased a record-breaking new home this week. The 3760008 acre estate, situated at an undisclosed location, is equipped with 9 exoskeleton-themed bathrooms, a scale model of the Hindenburg which doubles up as a handy buffet table, 2 original artworks featuring the decorated bodies of unknown homeless people, and of course a lacrosse court in every room.

Slug It Out

So we're still loving Madge Tarnish and her amazing dancing slug, right? Apparently not. It seems the pair have fallen out of favour with many fans after the discovery of an 'intense romantic drama' the lovebirds appeared in back in the day. According to her publicist, Madge has been battling with 'familiarity' issues for several years. Better get rid of that sluguriffic screensaver then...

Eat Your Heart Out

A Vietnamese man has reportedly become the first person to fully ingest a leper, according to regional news reports. The man, known locally as 'divine-owl' (translated from the Nonei dialect), is considered sacred by followers of the Manmatk religion, as he was born without a throat. UK's Channel 4 are reportedly in talks to obtain rights for a documentary: 'The Man Who Eats The Diseased' (working title).

What's Cooking?

TV's Pag Watchcake is releasing her own line in turkey basters following her notorious pig/cacti conception and subsequent pregnancy scandal, which was recently serialised on the back of a crisp packet owned by a leading manufacturer of shoe-horns and promoted through an exclusive line of spa treatment centres specialising in celebrity enemas.

Smell the Poses

Japanese 'song and feeling' duo TinkyTap have announced a free scent download in advance of their soon to be released 'conceptual walking style development', which was reportedly inspired by a recent exhibition at the Gallery Really?! showcasing hats of the disenfranchised from throughout the ages.

No Pain No Gain

Rumour has it that Sally Talcum is to be the new host of ITV's 'Kick the Strange Child!' for its upcoming fourth season. Ms Talcum has recently negotiated TV rights to her million-selling autobiography 'They Said It Would Be OK' in which she detailed the childhood abuse she suffered at the hands of a neighbour's pet alligator.

Opportunity Knocks

A leading cosmetic surgeon is offering a limited number of women the unique opportunity to have their eyes replaced with a pair of fluorescent tits - FOR FREE! The lucky few will be selected during a televised special in which an 8 foot brick with several soiled dressings strapped to it with barbed wire will be propelled into the crowd at a provincial shopping centre.

Age Before Beauty

A certain Finnish driving-instructor turned celebrity acrobat has reportedly been spotted coming out of the London branch of Personal Cosmetic Loveliness Ltd. The clinic specialises in 'intimate' procedures for women over a certain age who want to appear 'younger'. Services offered include Creative Pubescence, in which 'the biological process of puberty is reversed in some areas and enhanced in others' - in other words, they make your tits bigger and your hole smaller.

Food For Thought

Bird faeces make a delicious pasta sauce when combined with butternut squash and a touch of Balsamic vinegar, according to fashionable young chef Richie Tarquin who has recently opened his first restaurant Food n' That in West London. The eatery has already become the place to be spotted (by the squads of journalists deviously lured and kept there by a plastic replica of Carol Vorderman's left tit) and has been frequented by the likes of Madonna, Jocky Wilson and It-girl Chiffon Hoover, heir to the famed vacuum cleaner empire.

All You Can Eat

The latest Hollywood weight loss fad has caused concerned doctors to launch a public awareness campaign. FleshRelease reportedly involves having your hands, feet, head, knees and shoulders dipped in gravy. You are then left on a ravaged hillside where birds of prey are encouraged to peck at you, removing unsightly bulges. Celebrated acting performer Sheril Dancom is rumoured to be hooked on the technique, having tried it in preparation for the recent Oscars ceremony. Many viewers suspected something unusual when they noticed part of her left eye was missing.

Turn a Blind Eye?

Parents of several young followers of the Church of Endogalactic Wingtarians are growing increasingly worried following reports that members are being encouraged to undergo a controversial surgical procedure in which their eyelids are removed. Leaders of the Church have issued a Press Release in which they describe the process as a Gentle Irradiating Caress, accusing the concerned parents of stifling their offspring's Illuminative Growth.

After a Fashion

Hollywood's newest mother Amanda McNapkin is rumoured to be negotiating a deal with Hiya!!! magazine. Exclusive photos of the afterbirth are due to be released later this month according to celebrity-slapper-media-type industry insiders. Ms McNapkin shot to fame when her story was the subject of an internet-based socially networked blogsoap drama serial. The 26 year old Sagittarius infamously impregnated herself using 2 traffic cones and a garden hose.

The Knives Are In

According to the latest Hollywood gossip mongers, Gwyneth Paltrow has developed an insatiable appetite for all things cutlery; the actress is rumoured to be losing her seven-year battle with the fetish, which includes table knives, forks and spoons (dessert, soup and tea but not those stupid little plastic things you get in Starbucks etc) and has to date cost Ms Paltrow an estimated $6.4billion in shiny plastic money-cards.

What the Eel?

Babies are being born without hair or fingerprints or eyelashes in South Wales where pregnant women have been prescribed experimental vitamin tablets containing eel genes over the last five years. The babies, who are yet to comment on the scandal, also have glowing eyes and several are reported to have crushed their parents to death.

Burger Junkies

Research has revealed that the ubiquitous gherkins on burgers from a leading fast-food chain are treated with an addictive narcotic substance designed to get burger-users hooked on that particular brand. The gherkins, which help to ensure that the produce of the chain meets EEC guidelines relating to health and nutrition, are fucking revolting.