Fat Chance

Fat women cause cancer in those who look at them, a new study has claimed. Researchers have found that overweight women can be carcinogenic when glanced at by anyone within a 4.5 mile radius, 6 miles on a clear day. The controversial study also includes claims that hairy women who refuse to wax or shave their legs tend to have children who later grow up to become extremely unpleasant to be around, and that women having smaller breast sizes encourage undue facetiousness in passers by. The research was commissioned by Nads magazine, who describe it as entirely the product of rigorous scientific analysis, despite the fact that one of the contributors has been described as a disgraced former technical enhancement adviser for a leading genital cosmetics and penile rights firm.

Say What You Really Mean

The latest installment in the ongoing feud between pop star Madam Jaspro and actress/ teacosy Stephanie Smallchops arrived today in the form of a rather colourful email leaked online in which Smallchops seems to call Ms Jaspro a 'skanky bitch face', before heavily implying that she also enjoys partaking in certain frowned upon sexual acts. The message follows reports that the singer had thrown a bottle of patented anti-ugliness skin and upper torso rejuvenatory serum at the other one during a recent benefit reception for sufferers of paranoid psoriasis.

All's Fair?

The Daily Mail has reported in horror the alleged news that the BBC is now considering a change to their recruitment policy, such that they will no longer be able to discriminate on the grounds of idiocy, aptitude or competence when engaging new staff.

The paper responded to queries as to the apparent lack of evidence for this policy by publishing a questionable photograph of Jonathan Ross wearing a tiara made from the confiscated teeth of homeless farmers, while laughing at a group of middle class white schoolchildren who'd apparently been refused entry to a pop concert organised by the broadcaster on the basis that they were neither black, Muslim nor infected with HIV.

The Mail's disgust at the alleged revelation seems doubly baffling since they themselves appear to have refused to discriminate on the grounds of skill, insight or even literacy in their editorial staff for some years but there you go.

Size Matters

Controversial plans have been unveiled that would see the creation of a national database to hold the breast sizes of all women in the country. The system will be used to ensure that anyone measuring smaller than a size D cup will automatically be placed on the waiting list for breast augmentation surgery. Ministers have responded to criticisms with claims that the new system will drastically reduce administration costs currently associated with these procedures.

Everything but the Kitchen Sink

Women are entitled to buy numerous pairs of shoes as well as to be shagged by men, according to a recent think tank. The controversial assertion is the result of a lengthy program of discussion among prominent women in the public sphere, and is expected to further bolster the belief that women can 'have it all', which has commonly been described as a myth.

Not Present But Correct

In the latest installment of unfettered political correctness in the public media services, the popular TV personality Mike Bastcok has reportedly been sacked following complaints regarding recent revelations about his personal life choices. The news that Mr Bastcok has consistently refused to be present in any building in which 'persons not of ultimate brittanic or europe-based cultural origination' may also be present, was initially met with casual indifference by the public. But a prominent and thoroughly keenly orchestrated Internet campaign has caused the television network concerned to buckle under self-righteous, liberal, elitist, and most probably, utterly gay, pressure. What next? You probably won't even be able to skin and eat the children of immigrants soon.

Misty Memories?

A controversial new practice is to be introduced across the globe, whereby any human being who is unable to create an exact replica of pop-star Madonna's groin using only plasticine, tin foil and sandpaper, is to be put immediately to death. Commenting on the initiative, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the move was "extremely thought-invoking and definitely worthy of deliberation and comment", while linguist and political theorist Noam Chomksy contributed: "I suppose it was only a matter of time, I'll be alright though, I think I know it better than my wife's fucking face".

He Said She Said

Hollywood pin-up Sallyandra Tapsmear has reportedly apologised for comments she made regarding the Rwandan genocide of the 1990s. Ms Tapsmear was quoted as having implied that the hundred of thousands murdered were actually being punished for failing to resolve their 'identificatory anomaly'. The practice she referred to is core to the New Morphostarshine faith, of which Ms Tapsmear has been a practising member for upwards of 3 months.

Practitioners of the belief system, established as far back as early 2005, carry out what they call 'communitary ingestion', during which they each eat and then regurgitate slivers of pastry which have been ceremonially licked by Master Jaddbaall Shandox, leader of the faith, and proprietor of the associated limited company. The actress has since accused the journalist involved of taking her comments out of continence.

Monkey See

A leading advertising agency has defended a recent campaign featuring photographs in which, critics claimed, a 12 year old model 'appeared to have been gang-raped by a group of chimpanzees'. The agency has responded to complaints with the following statement:

"While we accept that some people may perceive the photographs as being suggestive of aggressive sexual behaviour, we have repeatedly reasserted the fact that the model had not in fact been assaulted, and are frankly baffled at the stuffy attitude of those people who are STILL going on about this. In fact, we have taken the courageous decision to extend the campaign, in order to stimulate an open public debate on this issue and of course on the Eezytear range in general. Perhaps if governments could engage people in this dynamic fashion we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now."

The ads are intended to publicise a range of underwear which has been designed to be easy to rip off with one hand.

Acting the Giddy Goat?

A Cornish woman is claiming to be carrying the child of the late great Dank Tampoke, beloved host of ITV's Saturday morning agricultural gameshow Get Your Goat, who died 23 years ago. Mr Tampoke presented a number of popular series during his career, which spanned two decades, but is most fondly remembered for his catchphrase 'Get it, get it, get that goat!' His three surviving children have condemned the woman, who claims to have kept their father's yield in a refrigerated container since an affair they conducted during the Cuban missile crisis, when Mr Tampoke is alleged to have retrieved her stolen hairnet from the pen of an unruly pig, a gesture which could naturally have led to intimate relations between the pair.