"I am deeply sorry for what I have done to my family. I cannot explain my actions, other than to say that I just really wanted to know what that cunt [sic] had been getting up to and couldn't think of any other way to find out. I know what I did was wrong, but you must admit the bastard does look fucking shifty."
Sources close to the family claim the nutjob's health began to decline following the paper's demise, culminating in the discovery that he had sent himself letters threatening to reveal details of various sordid acts he had allegedly engaged in several years before.
News International executives have thus far declined to comment on the matter.