Cheap at Half the Price

The coalition is considering the introduction of a fine to be issued to prostitutes and women who dress in a scantily clad fashion, in an attempt to pay for the administrative costs involved in the clear up and investigation that ensues when they are inevitably sexually assaulted and murdered. These incidents eat up vast sums of public money each year and many people simply don't see why the taxpayer should foot the bill. Government spin doctors are hoping the news will curb the current tide of negative press following controversy over the decision to exclude the children of drug addicts and the obese from all schools.

Scream if you want to go faster?

A survey in a recent lads mag revealed some shocking results. According to the poll, 98% of readers expressed concern at how poorly most women behave while being raped. One contributor commented:

I mean it's not as though they need to be fucking porn stars, most of them don't even have the courtesy to expose their tits for you to come on.

Women's groups refute the result, citing earlier research that suggests many young women are actually becoming far more co-operative during sexual assault and harassment.

Smooth Things Over?

A top glossy is yet again denying reports of airbrushing pictures of women. The model and cover star Patsine Lampcans complained that the work done to a photograph she had posed for has actually made her look as though she has seventeen nipples and an extremely short torso. To prove the allegations, Ms Lampcans posed for a rival mag in the nude in the hope that this would clear the rumours up once and for all. However, what she hadn't bargained on was the fact that the rival publication would also then use a little heavy handed photoshopping technique too. In the new images, the model, who also works part-time as a consultant ironmonger, appears completely hairless, eyeless and is generally reminiscent of an enormous pair of tits with a hole in the middle.

Green is the Colour

A genetic structure has been discovered that scientists have dubbed the Glamour Gene. It appears that those having the gene induce an intense feeling of jealousy in all who meet them. Expectant parents are jostling to take part in a trial scheme to inject the gene into their unborn children in the hope that they too will grow up to be systematically envied. As one mother-to-be, and an academic involved in the research put it: "Who needs a university education or cosmetic surgery when you've got the natural ability to prompt feelings of jealousy. It's probably the single most important quality a person in today's world can have. I've dreamed since I was a little girl about having a daughter I would one day feel a sickening and overwhelming envy over and that day has now come".