tech ___ gossip ___ facts . . . . . . magazine

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

My Cup Runneth Over

The recent media frenzy over Mad Men star Christina Hendricks has prompted the coalition to create a new government department dedicated to female body image issues. It is thought that one of the first items to be addressed by the service will be a national discussion regarding which cup size is in fact best. Women across the country will be informed of the final decision so that they may set about arranging breast enhancement and reduction procedures as necessary, and it is believed that some National Lottery funding has been earmarked for those in lower income brackets to get the tits they need.

Sunday, 12 September 2010

Lowest Form of Skit?

BBC3 are currently on the lookout for competitors to take part in an upcoming new twist on the talent show format. The project, Are You Less Sarcastic Than A Hyena, has reportedly been in the works since the unprecedented success of last year's one-off special Mum, Defecation And Compulsive Sex Tourism.

The show will feature members of the public competing to demonstrate their unique level of sarcasm awareness as compared to that observed in marsupials measured in a series of controlled experiments carried out across the globe, through which the animals were shown arbitrary episodes of aspirational US sitcoms and filmed to monitor any resulting smirks, snorts or self-satisfied nods.

The production team are particularly looking for young people aged 17-20 who feel they can deliver a distinct, uncompromising but fundamentally self-aware levity combined with the kind of limp sense of irony most associated with such past entertainers as Russ Abbott, philosopher Bertrand Russell and erstwhile pop star Sheena Easton. Think you fit the bill? Send your showrile off to the programme makers along with a blood sample and get those fingers crossed!

Friday, 20 August 2010

Cheap at Half the Price

The coalition is considering the introduction of a fine to be issued to prostitutes and women who dress in a scantily clad fashion, in an attempt to pay for the administrative costs involved in the clear up and investigation that ensues when they are inevitably sexually assaulted and murdered. These incidents eat up vast sums of public money each year and many people simply don't see why the taxpayer should foot the bill. Government spin doctors are hoping the news will curb the current tide of negative press following controversy over the decision to exclude the children of drug addicts and the obese from all schools.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Scream if you want to go faster?

A survey in a recent lads mag revealed some shocking results. According to the poll, 98% of readers expressed concern at how poorly most women behave while being raped. One contributor commented:
I mean it's not as though they need to be fucking porn stars, most of them don't even have the courtesy to expose their tits for you to come on.
Women's groups refute the result, citing earlier research that suggests many young women are actually becoming far more co-operative during sexual assault and harassment.

Monday, 9 August 2010

Smooth Things Over?

A top glossy is yet again denying reports of airbrushing pictures of women. The model and cover star Patsine Lampcans complained that the work done to a photograph she had posed for has actually made her look as though she has seventeen nipples and an extremely short torso. To prove the allegations, Ms Lampcans posed for a rival mag in the nude in the hope that this would clear the rumours up once and for all. However, what she hadn't bargained on was the fact that the rival publication would also then use a little heavy handed photoshopping technique too. In the new images, the model, who also works part-time as a consultant ironmonger, appears completely hairless, eyeless and is generally reminiscent of an enormous pair of tits with a hole in the middle.

Monday, 2 August 2010

Green is the Colour

A genetic structure has been discovered that scientists have dubbed the Glamour Gene. It appears that those having the gene induce an intense feeling of jealousy in all who meet them. Expectant parents are jostling to take part in a trial scheme to inject the gene into their unborn children in the hope that they too will grow up to be systematically envied. As one mother-to-be, and an academic involved in the research put it: "Who needs a university education or cosmetic surgery when you've got the natural ability to prompt feelings of jealousy. It's probably the single most important quality a person in today's world can have. I've dreamed since I was a little girl about having a daughter I would one day feel a sickening and overwhelming envy over and that day has now come".

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

No Skin Off My Nose

A certain cosmetics brand is offering a select few lucky Divastyle! Magazine readers the chance to purchase their latest development in skincare for a mere £750 pounds per 100ml bottle. The formula combines the natural tightening properties of hydrochloric acid, the freshening properties of barbed wire and the sexy properties of fermented spinach into one fabulously coherent whole for the first time. Women have reportedly been poking one another's eyes out in the hope that their rivals will fail to spot the much coveted coupons on account of being blinded either temporarily or indeed permanently.

Friday, 25 June 2010

Knee High

A recent study has shown that 67% of women aged 18-33 admit under duress the desire that the beauty of their kneecaps cause a continued sickening feeling of overwhelming envy in everyone else on earth. Sound alarming? Maybe, but it's great news for the host of aesthetic joint enhancement start-ups hoping for a boost in the market. Procedures on offer include elbow incineration, eyelid flagellation and the increasingly popular shoulder scrape, so those of you with even a single intact memory of self-respect can get down to your local practitioner and demand they set about flaying the fuck out of you without delay!

Monday, 7 June 2010

The Power Curve?

A leading tabloid newspaper is reportedly negotiating a new Page 3 spread that will feature women wearing burqas. The garments will be traditional in every way except for one key feature, the chest area being exposed of course. Newspaper editors have responded to criticism by claiming the campaign will be empowering to Muslim women, and will comprise a celebration of every woman's right to be paid for getting her tits out.

Monday, 31 May 2010

Collateral Damage

TV sources indicate that a new reality show to replace Big Brother is currently under development. The show, intended to take reality TV to the next level, is a closely guarded secret at the moment, but a few tidbits of info have already leaked out. The format is being described as 'conflict exploratory', and is believed to comprise two contestants locked in a room with a convicted multiple rapist armed with a bread knife and coked up to the eyeballs. The contestants will be given the chance to compete for the public vote by inserting random household objects into their own bodies (through an orifice of their choice). Winning the public vote will allow contestants five minute consultations with an emergency doctor during which they may receive a limited range of medical treatments to alleviate their suffering by a small margin. A celebrity edition is of course planned.

Monday, 17 May 2010

Foul Play

Looks like Kellyie Yardstick's certainly making a bid to become the nation's next WAG. The buxom ex-toothpick compiler was recently spotted coming out of a nightclub with several top footballers hanging out of her. And rumour has it she's set her sights on one Mr Franck Slakbags, Scarborough Anorexic's latest signing all the way from Luxembourg and the man with the legs that might just win the ill-fated club next week's karaoke and kick-fest championship at Dunoon harbour.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Too Much Too Young

The latest revelation of shocking sexualised products for children indicates that several leading high street clothing and toy stores have up until now thought nothing of stocking some pretty appalling items. One shop was found to have been selling Hannah Montana 'peephole' tops designed to fit girls as young as 7, gimp masks for 8-10 year old boys with images of Postman Pat in S&M gear printed on them, and 'In the Night Garden' themed pole dancing kits for toddlers. The news comes after education ministers unveiled plans to replace English classes in schools with waxing and blow job techniques for girls, and advanced moisturisation and hair product identification for boys. Last year's decision to remove Science subjects from the curriculum in favour of lessons on being photographed, although controversial at the time, has subsequently been met with almost universal approval.

Monday, 5 April 2010

Satisfied? You'd better be...

With research showing that today's TV ads contain the highest levels of smugness since records began, the pressure on young women just continues to mount. A number of clinics are now specialising in cosmetic procedures designed to create a permanent expression of self-satisfied contentment, with studies showing that both sexes are instinctively drawn to complacent, self-indulgent titprick types when choosing a sexual partner. A poll of senior managers across the business sector also found that smug cunts tend to earn approx 89% more than their less unpleasant contemporaries. And parents aren't hanging back on this one either, with a newly growing market for pre-natal supplements that produce a particularly smug atmosphere in the womb by pumping it full of honey and gold.

Saturday, 27 March 2010

Laughing Stock?

A leading soft drink brand is refusing to withdraw a series of TV ads in which a young girl is told that unless she has sex with a man her parents will be killed. The campaign has been the subject of much debate, and the company has maintained throughout that the adverts do not constitute the advocating of aggressive sexual behaviour as the girl's parents were not in fact going to be killed, and that this was just an elaborate and somewhat humorous ruse on the part of the gentleman concerned. I guess some people just can't see the light-hearted side of rape.

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Suit Yourself

So it all seems to be about Mandra Backtoy's new clothing line at the moment then... The selection, which was unveiled at the fantastic Teabag Holder and Exemplary Fashion Advancement Fayre last week promises something unique and unprecedented to the modern woman. That's right, these bespoke outfits are virtually guaranteed to make men want to both fuck and marry you, and of course everything in between. Sound too good to be true? It probably fucking is.

Monday, 8 February 2010

Fat Chance

Fat women cause cancer in those who look at them, a new study has claimed. Researchers have found that overweight women can be carcinogenic when glanced at by anyone within a 4.5 mile radius, 6 miles on a clear day. The controversial study also includes claims that hairy women who refuse to wax or shave their legs tend to have children who later grow up to become extremely unpleasant to be around, and that women having smaller breast sizes encourage undue facetiousness in passers by. The research was commissioned by Nads magazine, who describe it as entirely the product of rigorous scientific analysis, despite the fact that one of the contributors has been described as a disgraced former technical enhancement adviser for a leading genital cosmetics and penile rights firm.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Say What You Really Mean

The latest installment in the ongoing feud between pop star Madam Jaspro and actress/ teacosy Stephanie Smallchops arrived today in the form of a rather colourful email leaked online in which Smallchops seems to call Ms Jaspro a 'skanky bitch face', before heavily implying that she also enjoys partaking in certain frowned upon sexual acts. The message follows reports that the singer had thrown a bottle of patented anti-ugliness skin and upper torso rejuvenatory serum at the other one during a recent benefit reception for sufferers of paranoid psoriasis.