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Thursday, 26 February 2009

After a Fashion

Hollywood's newest mother Amanda McNapkin is rumoured to be negotiating a deal with Hiya!!! magazine. Exclusive photos of the afterbirth are due to be released later this month according to celebrity-slapper-media-type industry insiders. Ms McNapkin shot to fame when her story was the subject of an internet-based socially networked blogsoap drama serial. The 26 year old Sagittarius infamously impregnated herself using 2 traffic cones and a garden hose.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

The Knives Are In

According to the latest Hollywood gossip mongers, Gwyneth Paltrow has developed an insatiable appetite for all things cutlery; the actress is rumoured to be losing her seven-year battle with the fetish, which includes table knives, forks and spoons (dessert, soup and tea but not those stupid little plastic things you get in Starbucks etc) and has to date cost Ms Paltrow an estimated $6.4billion in shiny plastic money-cards.

What the Eel?

Babies are being born without hair or fingerprints or eyelashes in South Wales where pregnant women have been prescribed experimental vitamin tablets containing eel genes over the last five years. The babies, who are yet to comment on the scandal, also have glowing eyes and several are reported to have crushed their parents to death.

Burger Junkies

Research has revealed that the ubiquitous gherkins on burgers from a leading fast-food chain are treated with an addictive narcotic substance designed to get burger-users hooked on that particular brand. The gherkins, which help to ensure that the produce of the chain meets EEC guidelines relating to health and nutrition, are fucking revolting.