tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32301644014863890562024-03-08T05:09:18.991+00:00Brain Dead Air - Spoof Gossip NewsSpoof round up of the latest gossip and whacky news stories.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-71718866317088891302012-01-23T23:23:00.001+00:002012-01-23T23:24:07.523+00:00Phone In SickAn ex-employee of the now defunct News of the World has reportedly been sectioned under the Mental Health Act for attempting to hack his own phone. A spokesman for the journalist, who cannot be named due to fiscal reasons, read the following statement on behalf of the loony:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">"I am deeply sorry for what I have done to my family. I cannot explain my actions, other than to say that I just really wanted to know what that cunt [sic] had been getting up to and couldn't think of any other way to find out. I know what I did was wrong, but you must admit the bastard does look fucking shifty."</blockquote><br />
Sources close to the family claim the nutjob's health began to decline following the paper's demise, culminating in the discovery that he had sent himself letters threatening to reveal details of various sordid acts he had allegedly engaged in several years before.<br />
<br />
<i>News International executives have thus far declined to comment on the matter.</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-7920754884593137802011-10-09T00:32:00.000+01:002011-10-09T00:32:21.922+01:00Watch This SpacePhysicists working at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland have warned programme makers working for all television broadcasters to stop producing reality TV shows, particularly those in the "scripted reality" sub-genre.<br />
<br />
In a statement leaked to the press, TV producers were told that such continued distortions of the very notion of reality is likely to cause a rift in the space time continuum that could result in mass global devastation.<br />
<br />
It is not yet clear whether any of the genre's popular favourites Made in Chelsea, Geordie Shore, Only Way is Essex and Glasgow Cunts will be affected by the development.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-23558465493764636132011-07-24T22:28:00.000+01:002011-07-24T22:28:35.893+01:00Mixed MediaAccording to the latest revelation about the antics of the Murdoch press, sources are recounting tales of News International executives allegedly paying convicted sex offenders to carry out various kinds of assault on young women, filming the attacks so that they would automatically have the inside scoop on the stories. The revelation follows the discovery that reporters were given financial incentives to retrieve the underpants of children who had been sexually abused.<br />
<br />
At the time of writing James Murdoch is still denying he had knowledge of the practise, in spite of the release of multiple verified digital images of him pointing and laughing at a headline reading "DEFILED" while holding one of the garments in question and being fondled by a disabled terror attack victim who was in turn being held at gunpoint by a clone of Myra Hyndley created in a lab at the paper's expense.<br />
<br />
Despite clearly being in the public interest, these stories are predictably provoking widespread liberal rage among the usual unapologetically biased left wing media outlets such as the Daily Mail.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-7415685239576902772011-06-04T00:22:00.000+01:002011-06-04T00:22:11.551+01:00Death Is Not The EndE4 is developing a new celebrity reality show in which contestants will be pitted against one another in a fight to survive. Early reports suggest that each competitor will be infected with HIV before being locked in a disused yoghurt factory.<br />
<br />
It's a simple format, each week a limited supply of antiretrovirals will be supplied to those contestants who successfully manage to pluck out their own pubic hairs in a manner that adequately satisfies the TV audience as indicated by a telephone vote.<br />
<br />
The ultimate winner of this long running show will be the last competitor to develop AIDS. "Celebrity Viral Pube Battle" is set to begin filming this Autumn, and bookmakers are already taking bets on which celebs will be involved, as well as potential romances.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-7597785246387130222011-05-09T23:37:00.000+01:002011-05-09T23:37:37.089+01:00Is The Public Interested?Rumour has it a new brand of mega-superinjunctions is being cooked up by top legal brains acting on behalf of philandering celebrities. The outrageous new measures will prevent members of the press from stealing bodily tissue samples from celebrities and then having them analysed to determine such information such as genetic tendencies to illness.<br />
<br />
The move comes after a recent shocking development in which a newspaper was actually prevented from publishing the fertility status of an actress, gleaned from analysis of a stolen pair of her underpants and associated fluids, even though this was clearly in the public interest since the actress had been seen only a few days before holding the hand of a male celebrity whose fertility had already been established by the same tabloid journalists.<br />
<br />
These legal developments are also causing increased concern that judges hellbent on protecting powerful entertainers will move to prevent the creation of a new machine designed to harness the power of psychics to read the minds of bereaved parents, reporting their innermost despair and turmoil in handy, easy to digest daily instalments, not to mention an accompanying free commemorative Royal Wedding teaspoon holder and rifle ornament! <i>It was all about romance and pageantry after all, so what better way to remember it than through a quality piece of military regalia?</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-4931346648010963012011-04-18T19:48:00.002+01:002011-04-18T19:48:54.812+01:00I Could Crush A GrapeChannel 4's Spring season continues this week with the excellent Help! I've Got A Haemorrhoid, with Sarah Beeny. The programme takes a literally in-depth look at piles, bursting taboos and liberating haemorrhoid sufferers from societal stigma by showing repeated graphic close-up images of their horrendous arseholes.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-86661397773072316412011-03-30T20:25:00.001+01:002011-04-04T23:24:48.200+01:00Bright Eyed?Channel 4's upcoming TV season features an exciting new series in which Kirsty and Phil present a list of their favourite colours, including taupe, cerise and of course cobalt. Phil and Kirsty's Pigmentation, Pigmentation, Pigmentation starts next month, and is billed as a rollercoaster ride of the rainbow in which the irresistible pair will be introducing their chosen colours with a unique set of uplifting and pragmatic insights that only experienced estate agents can provide.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-19675906075916001892011-02-12T00:16:00.002+00:002011-02-12T00:19:03.713+00:00Knock 'em DeadChannel 4 is developing a new series in which continuous footage of the rotting corpse of a child will be broadcast over a period of several months. The project is expected to replace all other programming for the autumn season, with the exception of commercial breaks during which adverts for the programme will naturally be broadcast. Responding to questions from interest groups as to whether the content would be appropriate for daytime, or indeed evening viewing, a Channel 4 spokesperson said:<br /><blockquote>We hope that this innovative, uncompromising show is really going to promote increased understanding among the British public with relation to some serious issues, such as what colour a decomposing child's skin goes after the initial greenish-yellow.</blockquote>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-78114624458893882732010-12-01T23:37:00.000+00:002010-12-01T23:38:14.926+00:00My Cup Runneth OverThe recent media frenzy over Mad Men star Christina Hendricks has prompted the coalition to create a new government department dedicated to female body image issues. It is thought that one of the first items to be addressed by the service will be a national discussion regarding which cup size is in fact best. Women across the country will be informed of the final decision so that they may set about arranging breast enhancement and reduction procedures as necessary, and it is believed that some National Lottery funding has been earmarked for those in lower income brackets to get the tits they need.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-307238837095497672010-09-12T23:57:00.001+01:002010-09-13T00:00:14.544+01:00Lowest Form of Skit?BBC3 are currently on the lookout for competitors to take part in an upcoming new twist on the talent show format. The project, Are You Less Sarcastic Than A Hyena, has reportedly been in the works since the unprecedented success of last year's one-off special Mum, Defecation And Compulsive Sex Tourism.<br /><br />The show will feature members of the public competing to demonstrate their unique level of sarcasm awareness as compared to that observed in marsupials measured in a series of controlled experiments carried out across the globe, through which the animals were shown arbitrary episodes of aspirational US sitcoms and filmed to monitor any resulting smirks, snorts or self-satisfied nods.<br /><br />The production team are particularly looking for young people aged 17-20 who feel they can deliver a distinct, uncompromising but fundamentally self-aware levity combined with the kind of limp sense of irony most associated with such past entertainers as Russ Abbott, philosopher Bertrand Russell and erstwhile pop star Sheena Easton. Think you fit the bill? Send your showrile off to the programme makers along with a blood sample and get those fingers crossed!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-36129019373217497282010-08-20T23:55:00.001+01:002010-08-20T23:56:41.849+01:00Cheap at Half the PriceThe coalition is considering the introduction of a fine to be issued to prostitutes and women who dress in a scantily clad fashion, in an attempt to pay for the administrative costs involved in the clear up and investigation that ensues when they are inevitably sexually assaulted and murdered. These incidents eat up vast sums of public money each year and many people simply don't see why the taxpayer should foot the bill. Government spin doctors are hoping the news will curb the current tide of negative press following controversy over the decision to exclude the children of drug addicts and the obese from all schools.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-73417385149245945062010-08-19T23:29:00.002+01:002010-08-19T23:38:02.634+01:00Scream if you want to go faster?A survey in a recent lads mag revealed some shocking results. According to the poll, 98% of readers expressed concern at how poorly most women behave while being raped. One contributor commented:<br /><blockquote>I mean it's not as though they need to be fucking porn stars, most of them don't even have the courtesy to expose their tits for you to come on.<br /></blockquote>Women's groups refute the result, citing earlier research that suggests many young women are actually becoming far more co-operative during sexual assault and harassment.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-47251171076816923212010-08-09T23:12:00.001+01:002010-08-09T23:13:40.171+01:00Smooth Things Over?A top glossy is yet again denying reports of airbrushing pictures of women. The model and cover star Patsine Lampcans complained that the work done to a photograph she had posed for has actually made her look as though she has seventeen nipples and an extremely short torso. To prove the allegations, Ms Lampcans posed for a rival mag in the nude in the hope that this would clear the rumours up once and for all. However, what she hadn't bargained on was the fact that the rival publication would also then use a little heavy handed photoshopping technique too. In the new images, the model, who also works part-time as a consultant ironmonger, appears completely hairless, eyeless and is generally reminiscent of an enormous pair of tits with a hole in the middle.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-35912805860239917042010-08-02T01:06:00.002+01:002010-08-02T01:14:14.428+01:00Green is the ColourA genetic structure has been discovered that scientists have dubbed the Glamour Gene. It appears that those having the gene induce an intense feeling of jealousy in all who meet them. Expectant parents are jostling to take part in a trial scheme to inject the gene into their unborn children in the hope that they too will grow up to be systematically envied. As one mother-to-be, and an academic involved in the research put it: "Who needs a university education or cosmetic surgery when you've got the natural ability to prompt feelings of jealousy. It's probably the single most important quality a person in today's world can have. I've dreamed since I was a little girl about having a daughter I would one day feel a sickening and overwhelming envy over and that day has now come".Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-51218484065494905692010-07-14T23:17:00.001+01:002010-07-14T23:24:03.503+01:00No Skin Off My NoseA certain cosmetics brand is offering a select few lucky Divastyle! Magazine readers the chance to purchase their latest development in skincare for a mere £750 pounds per 100ml bottle. The formula combines the natural tightening properties of hydrochloric acid, the freshening properties of barbed wire and the sexy properties of fermented spinach into one fabulously coherent whole for the first time. Women have reportedly been poking one another's eyes out in the hope that their rivals will fail to spot the much coveted coupons on account of being blinded either temporarily or indeed permanently.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-87239376275926390792010-06-25T21:12:00.001+01:002010-06-25T21:14:13.138+01:00Knee HighA recent study has shown that 67% of women aged 18-33 admit under duress the desire that the beauty of their kneecaps cause a continued sickening feeling of overwhelming envy in everyone else on earth. Sound alarming? Maybe, but it's great news for the host of aesthetic joint enhancement start-ups hoping for a boost in the market. Procedures on offer include elbow incineration, eyelid flagellation and the increasingly popular shoulder scrape, so those of you with even a single intact memory of self-respect can get down to your local practitioner and demand they set about flaying the fuck out of you without delay!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-29425204500356924082010-06-07T23:23:00.003+01:002010-06-07T23:30:51.482+01:00The Power Curve?A leading tabloid newspaper is reportedly negotiating a new Page 3 spread that will feature women wearing burqas. The garments will be traditional in every way except for one key feature, the chest area being exposed of course. Newspaper editors have responded to criticism by claiming the campaign will be empowering to Muslim women, and will comprise a celebration of every woman's right to be paid for getting her tits out.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-37541632949328332222010-05-31T17:43:00.001+01:002010-05-31T17:45:27.637+01:00Collateral DamageTV sources indicate that a new reality show to replace Big Brother is currently under development. The show, intended to take reality TV to the next level, is a closely guarded secret at the moment, but a few tidbits of info have already leaked out. The format is being described as 'conflict exploratory', and is believed to comprise two contestants locked in a room with a convicted multiple rapist armed with a bread knife and coked up to the eyeballs. The contestants will be given the chance to compete for the public vote by inserting random household objects into their own bodies (through an orifice of their choice). Winning the public vote will allow contestants five minute consultations with an emergency doctor during which they may receive a limited range of medical treatments to alleviate their suffering by a small margin. A celebrity edition is of course planned.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-40407210216639667292010-05-17T00:22:00.002+01:002010-05-17T00:27:59.230+01:00Foul PlayLooks like Kellyie Yardstick's certainly making a bid to become the nation's next WAG. The buxom ex-toothpick compiler was recently spotted coming out of a nightclub with several top footballers hanging out of her. And rumour has it she's set her sights on one Mr Franck Slakbags, Scarborough Anorexic's latest signing all the way from Luxembourg and the man with the legs that might just win the ill-fated club next week's karaoke and kick-fest championship at Dunoon harbour.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-88054321568733046132010-04-19T00:52:00.001+01:002010-04-19T00:52:51.104+01:00Too Much Too YoungThe latest revelation of shocking sexualised products for children indicates that several leading high street clothing and toy stores have up until now thought nothing of stocking some pretty appalling items. One shop was found to have been selling Hannah Montana 'peephole' tops designed to fit girls as young as 7, gimp masks for 8-10 year old boys with images of Postman Pat in S&M gear printed on them, and 'In the Night Garden' themed pole dancing kits for toddlers. The news comes after education ministers unveiled plans to replace English classes in schools with waxing and blow job techniques for girls, and advanced moisturisation and hair product identification for boys. Last year's decision to remove Science subjects from the curriculum in favour of lessons on being photographed, although controversial at the time, has subsequently been met with almost universal approval.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-70127517251497618212010-04-05T23:41:00.001+01:002010-04-05T23:42:38.098+01:00Satisfied? You'd better be...With research showing that today's TV ads contain the highest levels of smugness since records began, the pressure on young women just continues to mount. A number of clinics are now specialising in cosmetic procedures designed to create a permanent expression of self-satisfied contentment, with studies showing that both sexes are instinctively drawn to complacent, self-indulgent titprick types when choosing a sexual partner. A poll of senior managers across the business sector also found that smug cunts tend to earn approx 89% more than their less unpleasant contemporaries. And parents aren't hanging back on this one either, with a newly growing market for pre-natal supplements that produce a particularly smug atmosphere in the womb by pumping it full of honey and gold.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-89829757471157904062010-03-27T23:24:00.001+00:002010-03-27T23:26:52.622+00:00Laughing Stock?A leading soft drink brand is refusing to withdraw a series of TV ads in which a young girl is told that unless she has sex with a man her parents will be killed. The campaign has been the subject of much debate, and the company has maintained throughout that the adverts do not constitute the advocating of aggressive sexual behaviour as the girl's parents were not in fact going to be killed, and that this was just an elaborate and somewhat humorous ruse on the part of the gentleman concerned. I guess some people just can't see the light-hearted side of rape.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-29844187474436272392010-03-10T23:40:00.002+00:002010-03-10T23:41:22.962+00:00Suit YourselfSo it all seems to be about Mandra Backtoy's new clothing line at the moment then... The selection, which was unveiled at the fantastic Teabag Holder and Exemplary Fashion Advancement Fayre last week promises something unique and unprecedented to the modern woman. That's right, these bespoke outfits are virtually guaranteed to make men want to both fuck and marry you, and of course everything in between. Sound too good to be true? It probably fucking is.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-16601224496958704352010-02-08T00:46:00.000+00:002010-02-08T00:47:29.186+00:00Fat ChanceFat women cause cancer in those who look at them, a new study has claimed. Researchers have found that overweight women can be carcinogenic when glanced at by anyone within a 4.5 mile radius, 6 miles on a clear day. The controversial study also includes claims that hairy women who refuse to wax or shave their legs tend to have children who later grow up to become extremely unpleasant to be around, and that women having smaller breast sizes encourage undue facetiousness in passers by. The research was commissioned by Nads magazine, who describe it as entirely the product of rigorous scientific analysis, despite the fact that one of the contributors has been described as a disgraced former technical enhancement adviser for a leading genital cosmetics and penile rights firm.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3230164401486389056.post-26942925327009000912010-01-13T12:19:00.001+00:002010-01-13T12:21:31.929+00:00Say What You Really MeanThe latest installment in the ongoing feud between pop star Madam Jaspro and actress/ teacosy Stephanie Smallchops arrived today in the form of a rather colourful email leaked online in which Smallchops seems to call Ms Jaspro a 'skanky bitch face', before heavily implying that she also enjoys partaking in certain frowned upon sexual acts. The message follows reports that the singer had thrown a bottle of patented anti-ugliness skin and upper torso rejuvenatory serum at the other one during a recent benefit reception for sufferers of paranoid psoriasis.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08085981060976444149noreply@blogger.com0