He Said She Said

Hollywood pin-up Sallyandra Tapsmear has reportedly apologised for comments she made regarding the Rwandan genocide of the 1990s. Ms Tapsmear was quoted as having implied that the hundred of thousands murdered were actually being punished for failing to resolve their 'identificatory anomaly'. The practice she referred to is core to the New Morphostarshine faith, of which Ms Tapsmear has been a practising member for upwards of 3 months.

Practitioners of the belief system, established as far back as early 2005, carry out what they call 'communitary ingestion', during which they each eat and then regurgitate slivers of pastry which have been ceremonially licked by Master Jaddbaall Shandox, leader of the faith, and proprietor of the associated limited company. The actress has since accused the journalist involved of taking her comments out of continence.

Monkey See

A leading advertising agency has defended a recent campaign featuring photographs in which, critics claimed, a 12 year old model 'appeared to have been gang-raped by a group of chimpanzees'. The agency has responded to complaints with the following statement:

"While we accept that some people may perceive the photographs as being suggestive of aggressive sexual behaviour, we have repeatedly reasserted the fact that the model had not in fact been assaulted, and are frankly baffled at the stuffy attitude of those people who are STILL going on about this. In fact, we have taken the courageous decision to extend the campaign, in order to stimulate an open public debate on this issue and of course on the Eezytear range in general. Perhaps if governments could engage people in this dynamic fashion we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now."

The ads are intended to publicise a range of underwear which has been designed to be easy to rip off with one hand.

Acting the Giddy Goat?

A Cornish woman is claiming to be carrying the child of the late great Dank Tampoke, beloved host of ITV's Saturday morning agricultural gameshow Get Your Goat, who died 23 years ago. Mr Tampoke presented a number of popular series during his career, which spanned two decades, but is most fondly remembered for his catchphrase 'Get it, get it, get that goat!' His three surviving children have condemned the woman, who claims to have kept their father's yield in a refrigerated container since an affair they conducted during the Cuban missile crisis, when Mr Tampoke is alleged to have retrieved her stolen hairnet from the pen of an unruly pig, a gesture which could naturally have led to intimate relations between the pair.