Too Much Too Young

The latest revelation of shocking sexualised products for children indicates that several leading high street clothing and toy stores have up until now thought nothing of stocking some pretty appalling items. One shop was found to have been selling Hannah Montana 'peephole' tops designed to fit girls as young as 7, gimp masks for 8-10 year old boys with images of Postman Pat in S&M gear printed on them, and 'In the Night Garden' themed pole dancing kits for toddlers. The news comes after education ministers unveiled plans to replace English classes in schools with waxing and blow job techniques for girls, and advanced moisturisation and hair product identification for boys. Last year's decision to remove Science subjects from the curriculum in favour of lessons on being photographed, although controversial at the time, has subsequently been met with almost universal approval.

Satisfied? You'd better be...

With research showing that today's TV ads contain the highest levels of smugness since records began, the pressure on young women just continues to mount. A number of clinics are now specialising in cosmetic procedures designed to create a permanent expression of self-satisfied contentment, with studies showing that both sexes are instinctively drawn to complacent, self-indulgent titprick types when choosing a sexual partner. A poll of senior managers across the business sector also found that smug cunts tend to earn approx 89% more than their less unpleasant contemporaries. And parents aren't hanging back on this one either, with a newly growing market for pre-natal supplements that produce a particularly smug atmosphere in the womb by pumping it full of honey and gold.