Knock 'em Dead

Channel 4 is developing a new series in which continuous footage of the rotting corpse of a child will be broadcast over a period of several months. The project is expected to replace all other programming for the autumn season, with the exception of commercial breaks during which adverts for the programme will naturally be broadcast. Responding to questions from interest groups as to whether the content would be appropriate for daytime, or indeed evening viewing, a Channel 4 spokesperson said:

We hope that this innovative, uncompromising show is really going to promote increased understanding among the British public with relation to some serious issues, such as what colour a decomposing child's skin goes after the initial greenish-yellow.

My Cup Runneth Over

The recent media frenzy over Mad Men star Christina Hendricks has prompted the coalition to create a new government department dedicated to female body image issues. It is thought that one of the first items to be addressed by the service will be a national discussion regarding which cup size is in fact best. Women across the country will be informed of the final decision so that they may set about arranging breast enhancement and reduction procedures as necessary, and it is believed that some National Lottery funding has been earmarked for those in lower income brackets to get the tits they need.

Lowest Form of Skit?

BBC3 are currently on the lookout for competitors to take part in an upcoming new twist on the talent show format. The project, Are You Less Sarcastic Than A Hyena, has reportedly been in the works since the unprecedented success of last year's one-off special Mum, Defecation And Compulsive Sex Tourism.

The show will feature members of the public competing to demonstrate their unique level of sarcasm awareness as compared to that observed in marsupials measured in a series of controlled experiments carried out across the globe, through which the animals were shown arbitrary episodes of aspirational US sitcoms and filmed to monitor any resulting smirks, snorts or self-satisfied nods.

The production team are particularly looking for young people aged 17-20 who feel they can deliver a distinct, uncompromising but fundamentally self-aware levity combined with the kind of limp sense of irony most associated with such past entertainers as Russ Abbott, philosopher Bertrand Russell and erstwhile pop star Sheena Easton. Think you fit the bill? Send your showrile off to the programme makers along with a blood sample and get those fingers crossed!

Cheap at Half the Price

The coalition is considering the introduction of a fine to be issued to prostitutes and women who dress in a scantily clad fashion, in an attempt to pay for the administrative costs involved in the clear up and investigation that ensues when they are inevitably sexually assaulted and murdered. These incidents eat up vast sums of public money each year and many people simply don't see why the taxpayer should foot the bill. Government spin doctors are hoping the news will curb the current tide of negative press following controversy over the decision to exclude the children of drug addicts and the obese from all schools.

Scream if you want to go faster?

A survey in a recent lads mag revealed some shocking results. According to the poll, 98% of readers expressed concern at how poorly most women behave while being raped. One contributor commented:

I mean it's not as though they need to be fucking porn stars, most of them don't even have the courtesy to expose their tits for you to come on.

Women's groups refute the result, citing earlier research that suggests many young women are actually becoming far more co-operative during sexual assault and harassment.

Smooth Things Over?

A top glossy is yet again denying reports of airbrushing pictures of women. The model and cover star Patsine Lampcans complained that the work done to a photograph she had posed for has actually made her look as though she has seventeen nipples and an extremely short torso. To prove the allegations, Ms Lampcans posed for a rival mag in the nude in the hope that this would clear the rumours up once and for all. However, what she hadn't bargained on was the fact that the rival publication would also then use a little heavy handed photoshopping technique too. In the new images, the model, who also works part-time as a consultant ironmonger, appears completely hairless, eyeless and is generally reminiscent of an enormous pair of tits with a hole in the middle.

Green is the Colour

A genetic structure has been discovered that scientists have dubbed the Glamour Gene. It appears that those having the gene induce an intense feeling of jealousy in all who meet them. Expectant parents are jostling to take part in a trial scheme to inject the gene into their unborn children in the hope that they too will grow up to be systematically envied. As one mother-to-be, and an academic involved in the research put it: "Who needs a university education or cosmetic surgery when you've got the natural ability to prompt feelings of jealousy. It's probably the single most important quality a person in today's world can have. I've dreamed since I was a little girl about having a daughter I would one day feel a sickening and overwhelming envy over and that day has now come".

No Skin Off My Nose

A certain cosmetics brand is offering a select few lucky Divastyle! Magazine readers the chance to purchase their latest development in skincare for a mere £750 pounds per 100ml bottle. The formula combines the natural tightening properties of hydrochloric acid, the freshening properties of barbed wire and the sexy properties of fermented spinach into one fabulously coherent whole for the first time. Women have reportedly been poking one another's eyes out in the hope that their rivals will fail to spot the much coveted coupons on account of being blinded either temporarily or indeed permanently.

Knee High

A recent study has shown that 67% of women aged 18-33 admit under duress the desire that the beauty of their kneecaps cause a continued sickening feeling of overwhelming envy in everyone else on earth. Sound alarming? Maybe, but it's great news for the host of aesthetic joint enhancement start-ups hoping for a boost in the market. Procedures on offer include elbow incineration, eyelid flagellation and the increasingly popular shoulder scrape, so those of you with even a single intact memory of self-respect can get down to your local practitioner and demand they set about flaying the fuck out of you without delay!

The Power Curve?

A leading tabloid newspaper is reportedly negotiating a new Page 3 spread that will feature women wearing burqas. The garments will be traditional in every way except for one key feature, the chest area being exposed of course. Newspaper editors have responded to criticism by claiming the campaign will be empowering to Muslim women, and will comprise a celebration of every woman's right to be paid for getting her tits out.