He Said She Said

Hollywood pin-up Sallyandra Tapsmear has reportedly apologised for comments she made regarding the Rwandan genocide of the 1990s. Ms Tapsmear was quoted as having implied that the hundred of thousands murdered were actually being punished for failing to resolve their 'identificatory anomaly'. The practice she referred to is core to the New Morphostarshine faith, of which Ms Tapsmear has been a practising member for upwards of 3 months.

Practitioners of the belief system, established as far back as early 2005, carry out what they call 'communitary ingestion', during which they each eat and then regurgitate slivers of pastry which have been ceremonially licked by Master Jaddbaall Shandox, leader of the faith, and proprietor of the associated limited company. The actress has since accused the journalist involved of taking her comments out of continence.

Monkey See

A leading advertising agency has defended a recent campaign featuring photographs in which, critics claimed, a 12 year old model 'appeared to have been gang-raped by a group of chimpanzees'. The agency has responded to complaints with the following statement:

"While we accept that some people may perceive the photographs as being suggestive of aggressive sexual behaviour, we have repeatedly reasserted the fact that the model had not in fact been assaulted, and are frankly baffled at the stuffy attitude of those people who are STILL going on about this. In fact, we have taken the courageous decision to extend the campaign, in order to stimulate an open public debate on this issue and of course on the Eezytear range in general. Perhaps if governments could engage people in this dynamic fashion we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now."

The ads are intended to publicise a range of underwear which has been designed to be easy to rip off with one hand.

Acting the Giddy Goat?

A Cornish woman is claiming to be carrying the child of the late great Dank Tampoke, beloved host of ITV's Saturday morning agricultural gameshow Get Your Goat, who died 23 years ago. Mr Tampoke presented a number of popular series during his career, which spanned two decades, but is most fondly remembered for his catchphrase 'Get it, get it, get that goat!' His three surviving children have condemned the woman, who claims to have kept their father's yield in a refrigerated container since an affair they conducted during the Cuban missile crisis, when Mr Tampoke is alleged to have retrieved her stolen hairnet from the pen of an unruly pig, a gesture which could naturally have led to intimate relations between the pair.

There's No Place Like Home

A well-known morris-dancing singer is said to have purchased a record-breaking new home this week. The 3760008 acre estate, situated at an undisclosed location, is equipped with 9 exoskeleton-themed bathrooms, a scale model of the Hindenburg which doubles up as a handy buffet table, 2 original artworks featuring the decorated bodies of unknown homeless people, and of course a lacrosse court in every room.

Slug It Out

So we're still loving Madge Tarnish and her amazing dancing slug, right? Apparently not. It seems the pair have fallen out of favour with many fans after the discovery of an 'intense romantic drama' the lovebirds appeared in back in the day. According to her publicist, Madge has been battling with 'familiarity' issues for several years. Better get rid of that sluguriffic screensaver then...

Eat Your Heart Out

A Vietnamese man has reportedly become the first person to fully ingest a leper, according to regional news reports. The man, known locally as 'divine-owl' (translated from the Nonei dialect), is considered sacred by followers of the Manmatk religion, as he was born without a throat. UK's Channel 4 are reportedly in talks to obtain rights for a documentary: 'The Man Who Eats The Diseased' (working title).

What's Cooking?

TV's Pag Watchcake is releasing her own line in turkey basters following her notorious pig/cacti conception and subsequent pregnancy scandal, which was recently serialised on the back of a crisp packet owned by a leading manufacturer of shoe-horns and promoted through an exclusive line of spa treatment centres specialising in celebrity enemas.

Smell the Poses

Japanese 'song and feeling' duo TinkyTap have announced a free scent download in advance of their soon to be released 'conceptual walking style development', which was reportedly inspired by a recent exhibition at the Gallery Really?! showcasing hats of the disenfranchised from throughout the ages.

No Pain No Gain

Rumour has it that Sally Talcum is to be the new host of ITV's 'Kick the Strange Child!' for its upcoming fourth season. Ms Talcum has recently negotiated TV rights to her million-selling autobiography 'They Said It Would Be OK' in which she detailed the childhood abuse she suffered at the hands of a neighbour's pet alligator.

Opportunity Knocks

A leading cosmetic surgeon is offering a limited number of women the unique opportunity to have their eyes replaced with a pair of fluorescent tits - FOR FREE! The lucky few will be selected during a televised special in which an 8 foot brick with several soiled dressings strapped to it with barbed wire will be propelled into the crowd at a provincial shopping centre.