There's No Place Like Home

A well-known morris-dancing singer is said to have purchased a record-breaking new home this week. The 3760008 acre estate, situated at an undisclosed location, is equipped with 9 exoskeleton-themed bathrooms, a scale model of the Hindenburg which doubles up as a handy buffet table, 2 original artworks featuring the decorated bodies of unknown homeless people, and of course a lacrosse court in every room.

Slug It Out

So we're still loving Madge Tarnish and her amazing dancing slug, right? Apparently not. It seems the pair have fallen out of favour with many fans after the discovery of an 'intense romantic drama' the lovebirds appeared in back in the day. According to her publicist, Madge has been battling with 'familiarity' issues for several years. Better get rid of that sluguriffic screensaver then...

Eat Your Heart Out

A Vietnamese man has reportedly become the first person to fully ingest a leper, according to regional news reports. The man, known locally as 'divine-owl' (translated from the Nonei dialect), is considered sacred by followers of the Manmatk religion, as he was born without a throat. UK's Channel 4 are reportedly in talks to obtain rights for a documentary: 'The Man Who Eats The Diseased' (working title).

What's Cooking?

TV's Pag Watchcake is releasing her own line in turkey basters following her notorious pig/cacti conception and subsequent pregnancy scandal, which was recently serialised on the back of a crisp packet owned by a leading manufacturer of shoe-horns and promoted through an exclusive line of spa treatment centres specialising in celebrity enemas.

Smell the Poses

Japanese 'song and feeling' duo TinkyTap have announced a free scent download in advance of their soon to be released 'conceptual walking style development', which was reportedly inspired by a recent exhibition at the Gallery Really?! showcasing hats of the disenfranchised from throughout the ages.

No Pain No Gain

Rumour has it that Sally Talcum is to be the new host of ITV's 'Kick the Strange Child!' for its upcoming fourth season. Ms Talcum has recently negotiated TV rights to her million-selling autobiography 'They Said It Would Be OK' in which she detailed the childhood abuse she suffered at the hands of a neighbour's pet alligator.

Opportunity Knocks

A leading cosmetic surgeon is offering a limited number of women the unique opportunity to have their eyes replaced with a pair of fluorescent tits - FOR FREE! The lucky few will be selected during a televised special in which an 8 foot brick with several soiled dressings strapped to it with barbed wire will be propelled into the crowd at a provincial shopping centre.

Age Before Beauty

A certain Finnish driving-instructor turned celebrity acrobat has reportedly been spotted coming out of the London branch of Personal Cosmetic Loveliness Ltd. The clinic specialises in 'intimate' procedures for women over a certain age who want to appear 'younger'. Services offered include Creative Pubescence, in which 'the biological process of puberty is reversed in some areas and enhanced in others' - in other words, they make your tits bigger and your hole smaller.

Food For Thought

Bird faeces make a delicious pasta sauce when combined with butternut squash and a touch of Balsamic vinegar, according to fashionable young chef Richie Tarquin who has recently opened his first restaurant Food n' That in West London. The eatery has already become the place to be spotted (by the squads of journalists deviously lured and kept there by a plastic replica of Carol Vorderman's left tit) and has been frequented by the likes of Madonna, Jocky Wilson and It-girl Chiffon Hoover, heir to the famed vacuum cleaner empire.

All You Can Eat

The latest Hollywood weight loss fad has caused concerned doctors to launch a public awareness campaign. FleshRelease reportedly involves having your hands, feet, head, knees and shoulders dipped in gravy. You are then left on a ravaged hillside where birds of prey are encouraged to peck at you, removing unsightly bulges. Celebrated acting performer Sheril Dancom is rumoured to be hooked on the technique, having tried it in preparation for the recent Oscars ceremony. Many viewers suspected something unusual when they noticed part of her left eye was missing.