Age Before Beauty

A certain Finnish driving-instructor turned celebrity acrobat has reportedly been spotted coming out of the London branch of Personal Cosmetic Loveliness Ltd. The clinic specialises in 'intimate' procedures for women over a certain age who want to appear 'younger'. Services offered include Creative Pubescence, in which 'the biological process of puberty is reversed in some areas and enhanced in others' - in other words, they make your tits bigger and your hole smaller.

Food For Thought

Bird faeces make a delicious pasta sauce when combined with butternut squash and a touch of Balsamic vinegar, according to fashionable young chef Richie Tarquin who has recently opened his first restaurant Food n' That in West London. The eatery has already become the place to be spotted (by the squads of journalists deviously lured and kept there by a plastic replica of Carol Vorderman's left tit) and has been frequented by the likes of Madonna, Jocky Wilson and It-girl Chiffon Hoover, heir to the famed vacuum cleaner empire.

All You Can Eat

The latest Hollywood weight loss fad has caused concerned doctors to launch a public awareness campaign. FleshRelease reportedly involves having your hands, feet, head, knees and shoulders dipped in gravy. You are then left on a ravaged hillside where birds of prey are encouraged to peck at you, removing unsightly bulges. Celebrated acting performer Sheril Dancom is rumoured to be hooked on the technique, having tried it in preparation for the recent Oscars ceremony. Many viewers suspected something unusual when they noticed part of her left eye was missing.

Turn a Blind Eye?

Parents of several young followers of the Church of Endogalactic Wingtarians are growing increasingly worried following reports that members are being encouraged to undergo a controversial surgical procedure in which their eyelids are removed. Leaders of the Church have issued a Press Release in which they describe the process as a Gentle Irradiating Caress, accusing the concerned parents of stifling their offspring's Illuminative Growth.