Phone In Sick

An ex-employee of the now defunct News of the World has reportedly been sectioned under the Mental Health Act for attempting to hack his own phone. A spokesman for the journalist, who cannot be named due to fiscal reasons, read the following statement on behalf of the loony:

"I am deeply sorry for what I have done to my family. I cannot explain my actions, other than to say that I just really wanted to know what that cunt [sic] had been getting up to and couldn't think of any other way to find out. I know what I did was wrong, but you must admit the bastard does look fucking shifty."

Sources close to the family claim the nutjob's health began to decline following the paper's demise, culminating in the discovery that he had sent himself letters threatening to reveal details of various sordid acts he had allegedly engaged in several years before.

News International executives have thus far declined to comment on the matter.

Watch This Space

Physicists working at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland have warned programme makers working for all television broadcasters to stop producing reality TV shows, particularly those in the "scripted reality" sub-genre.

In a statement leaked to the press, TV producers were told that such continued distortions of the very notion of reality is likely to cause a rift in the space time continuum that could result in mass global devastation.

It is not yet clear whether any of the genre's popular favourites Made in Chelsea, Geordie Shore, Only Way is Essex and Glasgow Cunts will be affected by the development.

Mixed Media

According to the latest revelation about the antics of the Murdoch press, sources are recounting tales of News International executives allegedly paying convicted sex offenders to carry out various kinds of assault on young women, filming the attacks so that they would automatically have the inside scoop on the stories. The revelation follows the discovery that reporters were given financial incentives to retrieve the underpants of children who had been sexually abused.

At the time of writing James Murdoch is still denying he had knowledge of the practise, in spite of the release of multiple verified digital images of him pointing and laughing at a headline reading "DEFILED" while holding one of the garments in question and being fondled by a disabled terror attack victim who was in turn being held at gunpoint by a clone of Myra Hyndley created in a lab at the paper's expense.

Despite clearly being in the public interest, these stories are predictably provoking widespread liberal rage among the usual unapologetically biased left wing media outlets such as the Daily Mail.

Death Is Not The End

E4 is developing a new celebrity reality show in which contestants will be pitted against one another in a fight to survive. Early reports suggest that each competitor will be infected with HIV before being locked in a disused yoghurt factory.

It's a simple format, each week a limited supply of antiretrovirals will be supplied to those contestants who successfully manage to pluck out their own pubic hairs in a manner that adequately satisfies the TV audience as indicated by a telephone vote.

The ultimate winner of this long running show will be the last competitor to develop AIDS. "Celebrity Viral Pube Battle" is set to begin filming this Autumn, and bookmakers are already taking bets on which celebs will be involved, as well as potential romances.

Is The Public Interested?

Rumour has it a new brand of mega-superinjunctions is being cooked up by top legal brains acting on behalf of philandering celebrities. The outrageous new measures will prevent members of the press from stealing bodily tissue samples from celebrities and then having them analysed to determine such information such as genetic tendencies to illness.

The move comes after a recent shocking development in which a newspaper was actually prevented from publishing the fertility status of an actress, gleaned from analysis of a stolen pair of her underpants and associated fluids, even though this was clearly in the public interest since the actress had been seen only a few days before holding the hand of a male celebrity whose fertility had already been established by the same tabloid journalists.

These legal developments are also causing increased concern that judges hellbent on protecting powerful entertainers will move to prevent the creation of a new machine designed to harness the power of psychics to read the minds of bereaved parents, reporting their innermost despair and turmoil in handy, easy to digest daily instalments, not to mention an accompanying free commemorative Royal Wedding teaspoon holder and rifle ornament! It was all about romance and pageantry after all, so what better way to remember it than through a quality piece of military regalia?

I Could Crush A Grape

Channel 4's Spring season continues this week with the excellent Help! I've Got A Haemorrhoid, with Sarah Beeny. The programme takes a literally in-depth look at piles, bursting taboos and liberating haemorrhoid sufferers from societal stigma by showing repeated graphic close-up images of their horrendous arseholes.

Bright Eyed?

Channel 4's upcoming TV season features an exciting new series in which Kirsty and Phil present a list of their favourite colours, including taupe, cerise and of course cobalt. Phil and Kirsty's Pigmentation, Pigmentation, Pigmentation starts next month, and is billed as a rollercoaster ride of the rainbow in which the irresistible pair will be introducing their chosen colours with a unique set of uplifting and pragmatic insights that only experienced estate agents can provide.

Knock 'em Dead

Channel 4 is developing a new series in which continuous footage of the rotting corpse of a child will be broadcast over a period of several months. The project is expected to replace all other programming for the autumn season, with the exception of commercial breaks during which adverts for the programme will naturally be broadcast. Responding to questions from interest groups as to whether the content would be appropriate for daytime, or indeed evening viewing, a Channel 4 spokesperson said:

We hope that this innovative, uncompromising show is really going to promote increased understanding among the British public with relation to some serious issues, such as what colour a decomposing child's skin goes after the initial greenish-yellow.

My Cup Runneth Over

The recent media frenzy over Mad Men star Christina Hendricks has prompted the coalition to create a new government department dedicated to female body image issues. It is thought that one of the first items to be addressed by the service will be a national discussion regarding which cup size is in fact best. Women across the country will be informed of the final decision so that they may set about arranging breast enhancement and reduction procedures as necessary, and it is believed that some National Lottery funding has been earmarked for those in lower income brackets to get the tits they need.

Lowest Form of Skit?

BBC3 are currently on the lookout for competitors to take part in an upcoming new twist on the talent show format. The project, Are You Less Sarcastic Than A Hyena, has reportedly been in the works since the unprecedented success of last year's one-off special Mum, Defecation And Compulsive Sex Tourism.

The show will feature members of the public competing to demonstrate their unique level of sarcasm awareness as compared to that observed in marsupials measured in a series of controlled experiments carried out across the globe, through which the animals were shown arbitrary episodes of aspirational US sitcoms and filmed to monitor any resulting smirks, snorts or self-satisfied nods.

The production team are particularly looking for young people aged 17-20 who feel they can deliver a distinct, uncompromising but fundamentally self-aware levity combined with the kind of limp sense of irony most associated with such past entertainers as Russ Abbott, philosopher Bertrand Russell and erstwhile pop star Sheena Easton. Think you fit the bill? Send your showrile off to the programme makers along with a blood sample and get those fingers crossed!