No Skin Off My Nose

A certain cosmetics brand is offering a select few lucky Divastyle! Magazine readers the chance to purchase their latest development in skincare for a mere £750 pounds per 100ml bottle. The formula combines the natural tightening properties of hydrochloric acid, the freshening properties of barbed wire and the sexy properties of fermented spinach into one fabulously coherent whole for the first time. Women have reportedly been poking one another's eyes out in the hope that their rivals will fail to spot the much coveted coupons on account of being blinded either temporarily or indeed permanently.

Knee High

A recent study has shown that 67% of women aged 18-33 admit under duress the desire that the beauty of their kneecaps cause a continued sickening feeling of overwhelming envy in everyone else on earth. Sound alarming? Maybe, but it's great news for the host of aesthetic joint enhancement start-ups hoping for a boost in the market. Procedures on offer include elbow incineration, eyelid flagellation and the increasingly popular shoulder scrape, so those of you with even a single intact memory of self-respect can get down to your local practitioner and demand they set about flaying the fuck out of you without delay!

The Power Curve?

A leading tabloid newspaper is reportedly negotiating a new Page 3 spread that will feature women wearing burqas. The garments will be traditional in every way except for one key feature, the chest area being exposed of course. Newspaper editors have responded to criticism by claiming the campaign will be empowering to Muslim women, and will comprise a celebration of every woman's right to be paid for getting her tits out.

Collateral Damage

TV sources indicate that a new reality show to replace Big Brother is currently under development. The show, intended to take reality TV to the next level, is a closely guarded secret at the moment, but a few tidbits of info have already leaked out. The format is being described as 'conflict exploratory', and is believed to comprise two contestants locked in a room with a convicted multiple rapist armed with a bread knife and coked up to the eyeballs. The contestants will be given the chance to compete for the public vote by inserting random household objects into their own bodies (through an orifice of their choice). Winning the public vote will allow contestants five minute consultations with an emergency doctor during which they may receive a limited range of medical treatments to alleviate their suffering by a small margin. A celebrity edition is of course planned.

Foul Play

Looks like Kellyie Yardstick's certainly making a bid to become the nation's next WAG. The buxom ex-toothpick compiler was recently spotted coming out of a nightclub with several top footballers hanging out of her. And rumour has it she's set her sights on one Mr Franck Slakbags, Scarborough Anorexic's latest signing all the way from Luxembourg and the man with the legs that might just win the ill-fated club next week's karaoke and kick-fest championship at Dunoon harbour.

Too Much Too Young

The latest revelation of shocking sexualised products for children indicates that several leading high street clothing and toy stores have up until now thought nothing of stocking some pretty appalling items. One shop was found to have been selling Hannah Montana 'peephole' tops designed to fit girls as young as 7, gimp masks for 8-10 year old boys with images of Postman Pat in S&M gear printed on them, and 'In the Night Garden' themed pole dancing kits for toddlers. The news comes after education ministers unveiled plans to replace English classes in schools with waxing and blow job techniques for girls, and advanced moisturisation and hair product identification for boys. Last year's decision to remove Science subjects from the curriculum in favour of lessons on being photographed, although controversial at the time, has subsequently been met with almost universal approval.

Satisfied? You'd better be...

With research showing that today's TV ads contain the highest levels of smugness since records began, the pressure on young women just continues to mount. A number of clinics are now specialising in cosmetic procedures designed to create a permanent expression of self-satisfied contentment, with studies showing that both sexes are instinctively drawn to complacent, self-indulgent titprick types when choosing a sexual partner. A poll of senior managers across the business sector also found that smug cunts tend to earn approx 89% more than their less unpleasant contemporaries. And parents aren't hanging back on this one either, with a newly growing market for pre-natal supplements that produce a particularly smug atmosphere in the womb by pumping it full of honey and gold.

Laughing Stock?

A leading soft drink brand is refusing to withdraw a series of TV ads in which a young girl is told that unless she has sex with a man her parents will be killed. The campaign has been the subject of much debate, and the company has maintained throughout that the adverts do not constitute the advocating of aggressive sexual behaviour as the girl's parents were not in fact going to be killed, and that this was just an elaborate and somewhat humorous ruse on the part of the gentleman concerned. I guess some people just can't see the light-hearted side of rape.

Suit Yourself

So it all seems to be about Mandra Backtoy's new clothing line at the moment then... The selection, which was unveiled at the fantastic Teabag Holder and Exemplary Fashion Advancement Fayre last week promises something unique and unprecedented to the modern woman. That's right, these bespoke outfits are virtually guaranteed to make men want to both fuck and marry you, and of course everything in between. Sound too good to be true? It probably fucking is.

Fat Chance

Fat women cause cancer in those who look at them, a new study has claimed. Researchers have found that overweight women can be carcinogenic when glanced at by anyone within a 4.5 mile radius, 6 miles on a clear day. The controversial study also includes claims that hairy women who refuse to wax or shave their legs tend to have children who later grow up to become extremely unpleasant to be around, and that women having smaller breast sizes encourage undue facetiousness in passers by. The research was commissioned by Nads magazine, who describe it as entirely the product of rigorous scientific analysis, despite the fact that one of the contributors has been described as a disgraced former technical enhancement adviser for a leading genital cosmetics and penile rights firm.