Everything but the Kitchen Sink

Women are entitled to buy numerous pairs of shoes as well as to be shagged by men, according to a recent think tank. The controversial assertion is the result of a lengthy program of discussion among prominent women in the public sphere, and is expected to further bolster the belief that women can 'have it all', which has commonly been described as a myth.

Not Present But Correct

In the latest installment of unfettered political correctness in the public media services, the popular TV personality Mike Bastcok has reportedly been sacked following complaints regarding recent revelations about his personal life choices. The news that Mr Bastcok has consistently refused to be present in any building in which 'persons not of ultimate brittanic or europe-based cultural origination' may also be present, was initially met with casual indifference by the public. But a prominent and thoroughly keenly orchestrated Internet campaign has caused the television network concerned to buckle under self-righteous, liberal, elitist, and most probably, utterly gay, pressure. What next? You probably won't even be able to skin and eat the children of immigrants soon.

Misty Memories?

A controversial new practice is to be introduced across the globe, whereby any human being who is unable to create an exact replica of pop-star Madonna's groin using only plasticine, tin foil and sandpaper, is to be put immediately to death. Commenting on the initiative, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the move was "extremely thought-invoking and definitely worthy of deliberation and comment", while linguist and political theorist Noam Chomksy contributed: "I suppose it was only a matter of time, I'll be alright though, I think I know it better than my wife's fucking face".

He Said She Said

Hollywood pin-up Sallyandra Tapsmear has reportedly apologised for comments she made regarding the Rwandan genocide of the 1990s. Ms Tapsmear was quoted as having implied that the hundred of thousands murdered were actually being punished for failing to resolve their 'identificatory anomaly'. The practice she referred to is core to the New Morphostarshine faith, of which Ms Tapsmear has been a practising member for upwards of 3 months.

Practitioners of the belief system, established as far back as early 2005, carry out what they call 'communitary ingestion', during which they each eat and then regurgitate slivers of pastry which have been ceremonially licked by Master Jaddbaall Shandox, leader of the faith, and proprietor of the associated limited company. The actress has since accused the journalist involved of taking her comments out of continence.

Monkey See

A leading advertising agency has defended a recent campaign featuring photographs in which, critics claimed, a 12 year old model 'appeared to have been gang-raped by a group of chimpanzees'. The agency has responded to complaints with the following statement:

"While we accept that some people may perceive the photographs as being suggestive of aggressive sexual behaviour, we have repeatedly reasserted the fact that the model had not in fact been assaulted, and are frankly baffled at the stuffy attitude of those people who are STILL going on about this. In fact, we have taken the courageous decision to extend the campaign, in order to stimulate an open public debate on this issue and of course on the Eezytear range in general. Perhaps if governments could engage people in this dynamic fashion we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now."

The ads are intended to publicise a range of underwear which has been designed to be easy to rip off with one hand.

Acting the Giddy Goat?

A Cornish woman is claiming to be carrying the child of the late great Dank Tampoke, beloved host of ITV's Saturday morning agricultural gameshow Get Your Goat, who died 23 years ago. Mr Tampoke presented a number of popular series during his career, which spanned two decades, but is most fondly remembered for his catchphrase 'Get it, get it, get that goat!' His three surviving children have condemned the woman, who claims to have kept their father's yield in a refrigerated container since an affair they conducted during the Cuban missile crisis, when Mr Tampoke is alleged to have retrieved her stolen hairnet from the pen of an unruly pig, a gesture which could naturally have led to intimate relations between the pair.

There's No Place Like Home

A well-known morris-dancing singer is said to have purchased a record-breaking new home this week. The 3760008 acre estate, situated at an undisclosed location, is equipped with 9 exoskeleton-themed bathrooms, a scale model of the Hindenburg which doubles up as a handy buffet table, 2 original artworks featuring the decorated bodies of unknown homeless people, and of course a lacrosse court in every room.

Slug It Out

So we're still loving Madge Tarnish and her amazing dancing slug, right? Apparently not. It seems the pair have fallen out of favour with many fans after the discovery of an 'intense romantic drama' the lovebirds appeared in back in the day. According to her publicist, Madge has been battling with 'familiarity' issues for several years. Better get rid of that sluguriffic screensaver then...

Eat Your Heart Out

A Vietnamese man has reportedly become the first person to fully ingest a leper, according to regional news reports. The man, known locally as 'divine-owl' (translated from the Nonei dialect), is considered sacred by followers of the Manmatk religion, as he was born without a throat. UK's Channel 4 are reportedly in talks to obtain rights for a documentary: 'The Man Who Eats The Diseased' (working title).

What's Cooking?

TV's Pag Watchcake is releasing her own line in turkey basters following her notorious pig/cacti conception and subsequent pregnancy scandal, which was recently serialised on the back of a crisp packet owned by a leading manufacturer of shoe-horns and promoted through an exclusive line of spa treatment centres specialising in celebrity enemas.